What On Earth Am I Here For?

This is going to be a hard post for me.

From the time that I was very young, my mother has called me an old soul. I never really played with kids my age, and usually opted for hanging out with my older cousins or sitting in a corner reading a book. For just as long, I've struggled with anxiety. When I was very young, my parents just brushed it off as me being a nervous child. The older I became, the more apparent it was that I had a problem. I remember having to meet with my guidance counselor on a weekly basis in high school to ensure I didn't put too much stress on myself to where I would have panic attacks.

And that's just it. The majority of my anxiety and things that caused me to stress were all self inflicted expectations, and they still are today. I made it out of a competitive high school environment and went off to college as happy as I could be, thinking that I left my problems behind. Little by little, the anxiety started to creep back in and without my usual coping mechanisms, I began to pick up unhealthy habits and even developed mild obsessive-compulsive behaviors. I again sought counseling and in my Sophomore year found knitting.

I dove straight in and didn't look back. Here was a hobby where I could funnel some of my compulsions (patterns and numbers). Not only that, but it helped me with the constant need to wash my hands. I continued counseling and continued my knitting, and somehow, once again, thought I was in the clear.

One of my major triggers has always been the sense of security. Over the past few years, I've dealt with relapses and have been able to keep a relatively anxiety free life. As I began to become unhappy with my work situation earlier this year, however, that all changed. I started to feel trapped because of the mountain of debt that I am facing and began an endless cycle of anxiety and self doubt. For those of you who have never had to deal with the debilitating feeling of mental illness, I cannot possibly describe the feeling of your body literally not being willing to move in any direction that didn't mean curling up in a ball for days on end. And what's worse, my anxiety sparks further anxious thoughts as I think to myself that I should not be feeling this way for any number of reasons, from the fact that I have a loving, supportive circle of family and friends, to the ultimate reason, that God is my Lord and Savior.

As I begin my job search and battle with the mounting feelings of stress, I feel as if He has spoken to me again. This week, my church has kicked off a 40 day, 6 week journey to finding purpose. We will be working our way through What On Earth Am I Here For as a church and it could not have come at a better time. I want to share my journey toward self-healing with you all, not only as a way to keep myself accountable, but also in the hopes that I may inspire someone to seek help as well. I'm not sure how often I will be posting throught the journey yet, but hope that as I find time to blog through my feelings, that you will also find time to read these posts.

My goal with this blog has been to keep it as real as it gets, so here we go...